Me angsting about lists - feel free to ignore my navel-gazing

[snowgall]

So as many of you may know, I've previously posted lists of "Best Drarry Fics of the Year" for 2007-2014. In fact, those were some of the very first posts I ever made to this blog. It's more-or-less why I started this blog, as I was all in a tizzy about properly dating fanfics, and I felt that organizing rec lists by year of publication was one way to make some use of the data I had been gathering up to that point.

I still feel that way, and I still like making rec lists, but this year it will be SO HARD. When I posted all of those other lists, I was really new to fandom. I hardly knew anybody, especially not authors! Making the lists was an objective exercise for mostly my own enjoyment. But now I know so many lovely people in the HP fandom. Which means creating and posting my list for 2015 makes me feel incredibly anxious and concerned about which fics might get left off.

Because oh my god, some fics will get left off! By my count, I've recced 93 Drarry fics this year, between my LJ blog and hd_storyroom. And the number of fics I included in each of my previous "Best of the Year" lists was always less than 30! Part of the reason is that I simply read more fics in 2015 than I have in any previous years, which means I know of so many more good ones to rec. So my 2015 list will be longer than my previous ones, but I don't want it to be ridiculous. I think I've settled on ~36 fics I want to have on the list, and that's about as low as I can go.

So this is a long-winded way of saying that I'll be posting my list later tonight or tomorrow, and there will be lots of good fics that aren't included, and I already feel awful about that. In the end the list is just an arbitrary thing based on one person's no doubt flawed opinion. It says nothing about the quality of any fics not on it.

Comments

[birdsofshore]

Hi snowgall. I hope it's OK to butt in here. Obviously I can't reply for dicta. I'm just replying for myself.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling depressed and hurt by all of this. I have been feeling the same way, to the extent that I haven't commented on your 'best of' post because I really wasn't sure what to say. For the record, I am sincerely glad that you enjoyed my fics that much. Thank you for being such an appreciative reader.

However, I've been feeling hurt and disappointed by your response to the feedback you got on this post. I feel that you've dismissed people's concerns without seriously considering making any changes to what you'd decided to do. It makes me feel that hits and publicity are more important to you than the feelings of the creators who make up your list - and those who didn't feature. I am very surprised by this, and quite taken aback.

I don't think your analogy works at all. First of all, fandom is not like a bake sale to raise money for charity. There is no third party who benefits from what we do here. I know you're suggesting that if you get more publicity for your recs list, 'fandom' will benefit, but the thing is, there is no actual 'fandom' which exists to benefit from your cookie sale. There are only the creators and readers, individual people who make up a community. And those people are telling you that they're not benefiting from this, that in fact they'feel uncomfortable with it.

I wrote out a long analogy and then deleted it about a cookie SWAP - not a sale. Because fandom is not a cookie sale. We're not selling anything. I have mixed feelings about fandom promotion. For a long time I didn't put my fics on AO3 because I didn't want that publicity outside of LJ. I was forced to get an AO3 account by fest culture, and on the whole it's been a good thing, but it does mean I get some stupid comments sometimes that I would rather not deal with. Left to myself I might have stayed on LJ, among our community which is more respectful and personal. You see, I don't write to get hits. Hits are nice, I'm not pretending otherwise. But I'd rather have one thoughtful comment from a friend, than 1000 hits from strangers. I don't promote myself on tumblr. I don't post on ff.net. Publicity and hits are not what I am here for. It's the community, the respect and friendship of other people here on LJ which rewards me.

The analogy about the sparkly paper is so far off the mark that i don't know what to say. Nobody is objecting because your title is VULGAR. I find that insulting. We're saying that this title hurts the feelings of people who are left off the list, and to be frank, makes some of those who are on it feel uncomfortable. I feel uneasy about it myself, because I know I featured on your lists before, and I was happy about that, and didn't notice the problem with the title. It boosted my ego I guess, and i didn't think about it any further than that. I hold my hands up and say, I didn't realise it would hurt people's feelings. But as soon as someone pointed this out, I got it. It seems obvious that calling your personal list of favourites "The Best" is problematic for lots of reasons. I read the other comments on here and thought, "oh YEAH."

I said earlier that I had no problem with what you included on your list of favourites - and that's true. It's entirely up to you. But I do have issue with the fact that you called your favourites "The Best." It's not that it's sparkly, or vulgar, You could dress your journal up in pink and green flashing lights and that would be your prerogative. It's the fact that this makes the list appear definitive and objective when it's not.

[birdsofshore]

and my comment was so long I had to split it! Here's the rest:

I know other people have explained their views better than me, and I know you didn't get what they are saying, and that you're probably not going to get what I'm saying either. but I needed to say it. My intention is not to hurt you, snowgall. I don't want you to feel attacked and battered. I'm trying to state my opinions respectfully here. But my view is that the title of your list means far more than sparkly wrapping, and I find it bewildering why you seem to dismiss the feelings of people in this community who I thought you would count as friends. Including some of the creators who make up your list. Because you'd rather get hits for your recs. I just... don't know what to say about that.

I'm terribly busy this week, so if I don't respond to any reply that is probably why. I'm also in a hurry so I may have phrased things badly. I know you may not want to reply to this, and that's OK as well. I just needed to say it.

[lq-traintracks.livejournal.com]

I've actually been trying to write a letter that says a lot of these things myself, Snowgall. I had given up trying to write it because I couldn't seem to phrase it right so that a) you would see my (and others') point without b) hurting your feelings. I figured I would let it sit for a while until I figured it out. But then I saw the sparkly green wrapping analogy, and I do find that both really off the mark and off-putting. Jane isn't saying her cookies are "the best" just by presenting them nicely. It's that exact phrase, "the best", that's at issue here. And really everything Birds said applies to me as well. I never really noticed the title until the people in this post pointed it out, and I've felt guilty for not having seen it or the problem it creates before. Now that I've seen it, my understanding of the situation has been altered, and my feelings have changed.

What I find most bewildering and upsetting is that you've decided to defend your stance rather than consider the change your flist has requested. It does feel as though you care more about random strangers and their clicks and hits than the members of this community and the very people you're reccing. I know that can't possibly be true, but that's what it seems like by your actions and your refusal to bend on this or even see what others are saying.

I hate confrontation. I don't want to hurt you. I'm beyond thrilled that you like my stories, and I'm honored to be considered among your favorites. I just wish I could make you understand why it's uncomfortable to be on either side: to be called "the best" or to be left off a list with that title.

Thank you for listening.