snowgall: (close-up)
snowgall ([personal profile] snowgall) wrote2015-06-11 03:19 pm

Fic: All In, Draco/Harry, PG-13

Figured I might as well post this link to my LJ for posterity. My first (and most likely last!) fic :)

Title: favicon All In (or on LJ)
Author: [livejournal.com profile] snowgall
Pairing: Draco/Harry
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 427
Summary: Draco introduces Harry to strip poker
Warnings: Unbetaed*; misuse of British-isms by an American; scanty knowledge of poker
Notes: Written for Draco's Kinks and Tropes Party July 10, 2015 for the prompt "Draco introduces Harry to strip poker" by [livejournal.com profile] indyonblue

*Concrit is welcome for this. Seriously, this is a first fic and I have no delusions that it is a masterpiece or anything. I would really love to know how to get the dialogue to flow better (the way Draco talks about betting their clothes still doesn't really work for me, honestly), how to make the setting more clear, how to get their thoughts across non-clumsily, all of it, basically. You can send me a PM if you like, or comment below, and my feelings won't be hurt at all. I've already gotten more nice and sweet comments on this than I expected, so I don't need to be coddled.
Oh, and if I got any British-isms wrong I definitely want to know! Like, does it make sense for Draco to say "What I am interested in, is seeing what Harry Potter looks like under his kit" ? Is that the right way to use "kit" or did I flub it? Using language right is really important to me, so please do tell me if something is off.
vaysh: (Default)

[personal profile] vaysh 2015-06-11 07:42 pm (UTC)(link)
This is beta - there is one "to" to many in this sentence: "I'm going to back to my room to strip off."

Concrit: I find this is really well-written. You quickly and forcefully set the scene, introduce the characters and the main "plot". You are not afraid of effective repetition. Your words and sentences flow and end on the right beat, rhythmically. All good stuff. Your true test, of course, will be a longer story with more moving of characters around a scene, with more complicated motivations and a full suspense plot (with sex scene). :)

To me, not a native speaker of English, the dialogue flows wonderfully. Especially the line when Draco offers to bet taking off their clothes. I love how dialogue and prose flow into each other. I was wondering, though, while reading how Harry can see Draco adjusting his trousers when they are, presumably, all sitting around a table. You never describe the location at all, and it's rather awesome how well that works. But perhaps here is a good place for a concise visual of the setting.

There a few lines where I would use punctation differently. Here, for example:
"I'm not interested in birds, Blaise, " Draco is grinning now,[.] "What I am interest...

And - totally minor and subjective quibble - I am not fond of using "he laughs" as a speech tag. Draco cannot laugh "Potter", he can only say "Potter" in a laughing voice, or say it and then laugh, something like that.

Just curious: Why did you decide to write the ficlet in the present tense?
vaysh: (Default)

[personal profile] vaysh 2015-06-11 08:02 pm (UTC)(link)
As for the trouser adjusting. I do like the movement, and you are right, running down his hands his torso would be way too campy, and please, no more lip-licking as gesture of enticement, it has been already old in 1986. ;)
But I was wondering: Does Harry need to sit opposite of Draco? Couldn't Draco sit to his right, so that, at a small poker table, he could actually see the movement?

As for the last line. Yes, you totally need a speech tag, the way it's written now. What do think about doing it like this:

"Potter." He laughs. "I'm all in."

Is the punctuation with full stops too sharp? Not enought flow?

birdsofshore: (Default)

[personal profile] birdsofshore 2015-06-11 09:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Love reading your advice, Vaysh. I must chip in about the last line. I think it definitely loses the graceful flow it currently has when you break it up like that. I really admired the flow of snowgall's writing here and I think it would be tragic to lose any of that, especially in this last line, which is so joyful and keeps the momentum Harry and Draco build up as they are about to leave the room. I would stick with the original for that reason, although not stylistically correct, or go for the slightly less lovely, "Potter," he says with a laugh, "I'm all in."
birdsofshore: (Default)

[personal profile] birdsofshore 2015-06-11 10:11 pm (UTC)(link)
"Your true test, of course, will be a longer story with more moving of characters around a scene, with more complicated motivations and a full suspense plot (with sex scene).

I've almost given up on trying to get all that right! Sometimes I think, if we really sat down and thought about what we were trying to achieve, we would never write at all. Remember this is meant to be a fun hobby, first and foremost. And I think someone's excitement and sense of fun/ urgency to tell the story when they are writing is often the most wonderful part, and outweighs stylistic elements in making a fic a gripping and memorable read.
nia_kantorka: (Default)

[personal profile] nia_kantorka 2015-06-11 09:27 pm (UTC)(link)
It's really rather fascinating how every little decision you make in a fic has all these consequences!
It's the most wonderful and a very strange thing. And one of the ways the characters can run away from the plotline you had in mind at the beginning.

I'm not good at beta-ing at all (just usefull as an alpha-reader for feedback about the flow, incongruencies and stuff like that). Nothing threw my out of my reading flow here.

As for the dialogues. Some writers/authors/smart people who know more about this being an author thing said it's helpful to read dialogues out loud (reading whole stories can be helpful too). That way you'd hear, where your characters sound too stiff or stilted. As an ELS I still count on my beta for that (because sometimes I just don't know), but I'm sure you'll manage on your own.

And just thinking about it. A glass table would be a great way for Harry to see Draco's tight trousers. :D
birdsofshore: (Default)

[personal profile] birdsofshore 2015-06-11 09:52 pm (UTC)(link)
You used kit just right! I've just reread it on AO3 and I concur that [livejournal.com profile] vaysh may well be right about the ending, as well. I am a lousy beta! I don't actually have a clue what I am doing, but this was certainly a super read.

Do you think you might try your hand again sometime, dear?
birdsofshore: (Default)

[personal profile] birdsofshore 2015-06-11 10:16 pm (UTC)(link)
Hah, I suck at plots, too (as you've noticed, hee hee). Perhaps our skills lie elsewhere ;) I'm OK with descriptions of place, but I struggle with moving people around (I have dyspraxia - I'm sure that contributes to both plotting and positioning troubles). I don't know any authors who excel at everything. Just being good enough at what you are good at is more than OK, in my book.
khalulu: (Default)

[personal profile] khalulu 2015-06-11 11:25 pm (UTC)(link)
I liked it, and yay you for testing the waters so swimmingly! Being American i can't help with Brit-picking, but I thought the language flowed well, and I don't really have any criticisms. For the sight-lines, you could perhaps have them sitting around a low coffee-type table for the card-playing - though I'm not sure why they would. I have this metal image of Draco tipping himself back in his chair and that catching Harry's eye - but physical location is not my strong suit.

I respectfully disagree with Vaysh about "he laughs" as a dialogue tag. To me it sounds fine. I consider it a perfectly acceptable shorthand for "he says laughing" or "he says laughingly" or "he says with a laugh," all of which are other options. I would not suggest using a bunch of full stops/periods there, because I think, as birds said earlier, that it breaks the flow. In some circumstances periods work, but it's a question of pacing.

The first time I heard someone object to using "laughs", "smiles", "scowls", etc as dialogue tags on the grounds that those actions don't produce speech, I thought the critic was being pedantic. But I've seen enough objections now that I realize that these tags do genuinely stick out at some people. I probably use fewer of them now not because I personally think there's anything wrong with them but because I'm aware they do bother some people.

(On the other hand, there are other dialogue tags and adverbs I enjoy using, which others might object to, because they color the interpretation - but I like having a writer whose voice I enjoy color the interpretation of dialogue, so I go ahead and use them. That's just a question of taste, so you can suit yourself.)

Write more! :D
khalulu: (Default)

[personal profile] khalulu 2015-06-12 05:37 am (UTC)(link)
Maybe fic writing will be a nice break from that other writing!

And, you know, there are far fewer rules for fic writing, because there are so many different styles and tastes that you can choose what you like, or what you feel up for. Follow a plot-bunny hopping down its bunny trail. See a prompt that tickles your fancy. Sometimes you can even repurpose an old prompt for a different fest. It's a supportive community here on LJ and many of us (judging from the comments) would love to read more of your fics whenever you feel so moved!

Good luck with the other writing thing. I am signing "good luck" in ASL here at my computer.... You can do it!